Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
when a toddler tells a story
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.