Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
we’re gonna need another temp
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.