Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Noah was an idiot.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
