Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.