just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.