Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.