Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.