“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.