Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.