“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
listen closely
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
God tier horse name today on the sims
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .