It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The four elements
Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.
Wings are the leading cause of bird flew
Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?
I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.