@ohthatbadger

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

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@TheWinegasm

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

@aliterative

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

@DaddyJew

Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.

@comes_night

Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.