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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Art by Pastelkatto
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[montage of me giving-up]
You deplete me
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.