Just this preview of the story is enough
You Might Also Like
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me buying fruit and veg
*pronounces patio like ratio
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Imma just leave this here…………
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.