Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free