Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.