Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You Might Also Like
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else