Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*