Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.