Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

inside you are two wolves

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster