Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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WHY?!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass