Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom