Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
i wish i could marry a nap
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*