Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something