@delusions_of

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

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@SortaBad

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

@BitterWaterBlue

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

@Ilovelamp1979

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@brianbowman73

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus