Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”
under a moving bus