Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.