Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.