Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

“and you are November’s PM yes?”