@thetigersez

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

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@LilBlueBlood

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

@crocodilethumbs

Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT

@GoodZiIIa

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings

@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@darinlovesbacon

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

@McSwtrvst

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

@MrsRupertPupkin

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.