Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*


Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT


wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?


What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings


My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip


Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.


[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds


Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.


You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.