Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck