Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
every college guy’s fridge
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I think this might be relevant today.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
