Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

No, you’re not getting it your honor

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.