Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here