Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.