Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.