Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney