Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
#Caturday
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot