Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group