Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.