Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

honey, bring out the fine china.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.