Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
You Might Also Like
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
logging onto twitter…
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.