just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
do horses think humans are hats
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
never compromise your values
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant