Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there