Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.