Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

A recipe for laughter

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means