Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
You Might Also Like
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
It do be feeling this way.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow