Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!