Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.