Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Netflix and you sit over there.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

adding to the discourse

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

💀 😭

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*