Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
remember
only for emergencies
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.