Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted