Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
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*clin
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”