Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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For anyone who needs this today
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”