Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times