Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.