Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake