@robdelaney

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

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@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@ch000ch

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@Smethanie

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold