Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold