Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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How wrong was this guy?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Just grow your own
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.