just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
