Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.