just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Money is the root of all wealth
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?