Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
podcasts
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.