Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight