just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”