Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

girls literally only want one thing..

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Orange cat behavior 😂

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend