Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Basically.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them