Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

☠️ ☠️

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

stand with me against insufficient seating

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?