Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”