Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.