Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
