Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America